D+21: Getting back to life
It’s been three weeks since I underwent a successful surgery of my right knee. I’ve spent those weeks reflecting on my physical and mental state and it’s not been easy at all.
The knee is great, I’m able to do small steps with only one crutch. I was able to drive a car today for a little bit (don’t tell my doctor!), my movement goes to about 70 degrees and it’s getting better literally every day. All the muscles in my right leg basically disappeared, I am doing some exercises which are fucking painful. But the progress is there and it’s quick-ish.
I have also rented this beatiful contraption with which I spend more than an hour every day. Insert leg, press a button and it bends and straigthens the leg for you. It doesn’t really seem to help with the muscles, but it does stretch the ligaments and all the other stiff parts of the joint. Definitely more convenient than pushing all the exercise to the limit by myself (which I’m doing anyway).
By myself… Yes… That’s the key element of the last three weeks. I haven’t had a visitor in 7 days for various reasons. It’s lonely, it’s freeing, it’s… I feel very ambivalent. I have very sad moments of crisis when I just ache to get a phone call or a text message. And it passes in 10 minutes and then I experience childish joy because I lift my leg one more time. Or that I can lie on my side. For five minutes, then the bloodflow gets cut. But hey, it’s something.
I have realized that I am drawn back to work because I crave the social interactions I am getting there. That’s not very healthy, is it? So that’s something I need to rebuild when I can walk again. Work should be just work, not part of your life that is supplementing other parts of your life that you neglected.
The most difficult piece of the puzzle in the past few days has been getting into something. Whatever I pick up - a book, a movie, a TV show, a game, it all contains deep human connections, emotions and love. And that brings up memories and disappointments from the past and gets me very sad. At the same time, it’s a very approachable exposition therapy because I don’t risk anything. Once I’m comfortable with this, I can get back to the real world.
Yesterday night was challenging - it was the holiday party from work. I so much want to be there. I so much don’t want to be there. Prime ambivalence worth exploring when writing my private journal. I can’t go anyway, but it’s a thought worth observing.
The Wedding People is indeed a very good book. Very real, very emotional, very positive, full of hope. After you get through first 100 pages which are depressing AF.
The Death Stranding 2 is indeed a very weird game. I like it. I don’t get all of it, but I really like the peaceful gameplay full of love and care. I am about halfway through it and I am looking forward to finishing it.