D+3: Whoa! Hold it right there!
Decent night, a few very vivid and VERY weird dreams. With the wrong people. The opioids are proper weird.
The most bizarre feeling however is, that when I was eating breakfast, I felt guilty for not turning on work computer. Fuck me. My brain got completely fucked in the past few months.
I feel like I could push it and work. While I have all the rights and permissions in the world to not do anything and just focus on me and my knee. I’m sick.
The much more interesting and self-observational feeling is that the instinctive reaction to that was that I need to tell someone. That I need to share with someone how I feel and that I feel that it’s wrong. I don’t have anyone at home with me, but I guess that might actually be healthy?
Another take on that is I feel like a little kid that found out about something and needs to share with whomever is around to show off, to be patted on the head and given praise. I deserve praise, so I am patting myself on the back.
Anyway, going to bed for a little bit more. I’m going to try to do the day without painkillers.
The main task for the day was to change the bandages and wash myself. I changed the bandages. Almost fainted. That was a journey! It took me half an hour to cut everything off, then I saw that there are 5 holes in me - that is a lot more than I thought - and I almost lost consciousness. It’s not painful, it’s not funny-looking, it’s not leaking, it all looks good and healthy. But the look took me by surprise. 5 holes, 5 new scars. One new story.
I think some people that I believed would be helpful to have around for this kind of situation would stab me with the blunt scissors and run away screaming in panic. I didn’t! Because obviously I can’t run.
I regained my strength, applied the disinfectant, almost fainted again and then covered it up. It looks kinda nice! I was happy that I found medical tape in the cabinet and didn’t have to use the ugly brown electrical one. I don’t like brown.
Then I had to go to bed for two hours. I was exhausted. And dizzy. That might be it for the day, but I do smell really bad. Especially after the bandage change. That felt like I ran a marathon. In the hottest day of the year. My bathroom looked like an operating theatre, but with a lot less blood.
Ice packs are awesome. We need more of those in the world. Another awesome thing is that it’s not getting swollen, I was scared of the new thing interacting with the blood and vein issues I have, but it seems to be playing along just fine for now.
I caved and took a painkiller for the afternoon. The leg started to feel… How do you describe it? It’s like a massive cramp that is there and it’s not pulsating and not really a cramp. Numb pain? I don’t know. It was more annoying than painful. Also somebody started drilling in the building, so the pill helped me to doze off a little bit during the afternoon.
It was interesting to think again about some recent and not so recent events and conversations. And read a little bit of motivational facebook pages. Duh, you need that in your life! I crave closure. Because I want the other people in the situation to understand me. I want to be able to explain what is going in me in an understandable way. And I guess I mask it behind the desire to understand them.
It’s petty. I’m not going to get understanding from somebody anchored in completely different values than openness, honesty, respect and trust. I mean they may have these values, but they don’t act on them with me. Who knows why… Fear, prior experience, shitty personality…. Doesn’t really matter. The outcome matters. Investing into this is a waste of time even if I see a potential for love there.
I also get mad when the other person is trying to explain to me their position which is based on false or incomplete information. Well… That’s on them. Not on me. If they wanted, they could ask. And so can I… If it’s worth it.
And I took a shower! And what a shower it was! One of the most difficult and most rewarding showers I’ve had in years. This was a good, successful and very productive day. It’s amazing how intense, fullfilling and rewarding basic human tasks are when you are not in meetings for 10 hours a day. It gets you grounded. I needed that.
Second season of Kevin Can F**k Himself is different to the first one. I’m curious where it’s going. I really like Annie Murphy in the main role. But the character is… not attractive at all. The main Kevin guy is absolutely awful. Come to think of it, all the characters in the show are quite awful.
Thor: Love and Thunder: Not bad. Too long, very childish.
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings: Average origin flick. I’m not in that ancient magic-like stuff anymore.