D+5: Void and a Visit
No dreams tonight. Nothing. I slept full 8 hours without any interruptions. I haven’t had a night so quiet for a very long time.
There are still intrusive thoughts showing up when I wake up. It’s clear that the head can’t yet just be still. It needs more time. I need to let it spin a little more.
The knee is fine.
It’s marvelous how easy it is to forget to take care of yourself and lose contact with yourself. I can’t really do anything else than be right now. It’s a lot of effort to do the basic things like go to the bathroom, so I’m conserving my energy and resting a lot. And I have the luxury to get rest or take a nap or just relax whenever I feel like it.
It’s a lot more often than I would have thought. It seems like I’ve been in overdrive for long. I like that I have this possibility. It makes me realize that I need to be rested to function the way I want. There is no shame in being tired and needing rest. It cannot be the permanent and default state though.
Another interesting observation is that the knee is actually causing pain. I just don’t feel it as pain. It’s more of a presence. I got so used to pain that what other people would call insufferable… For me, it’s just there as part of normal existence. My limits have been pushed, my baseline has been pushed. I think I pushed it all. And as part of that pushing, I lost touch with the core of myself. I’ve lost touch with who I am, with what I want, with what I need. I stopped listening.
I don’t need to suffer. I don’t need to seek pain to feel like myself. Pain is not my identity. It’s a big part of me, but it’s not me. There is much more to life than just pain.
If I accept that people usually seek familiarity in their life, I seek pain. Both physical and emotional. That’s sub-optimal. I should seek joy, fullfillment, kindness and respect. And if it’s not there, just walk away. Time is limited. I don’t want to spend my limited time being in pain. Which creates a very difficult question: If all I know and am familiar with is pain, what is the core thing that I want to spend my limited time with? The answer I want is love.
It’s the complete opposite side of the spectrum. It’s a long road there. With obstacles, detours, mistakes and places where to get lost. And there are other people along the way. So there’s some level of pain expected - we’re not all the same. I can handle that. People are generally good. Nobody wants to cause pain, they are just clumsy and afraid. I am also clumsy and afraid. That’s being human.
I had a visitor! It was very nice and pleasant catch up. It’s SO refreshing to talk to a friend, even if it was just an hour. I’ve been neglecting that part of my life for too long. I need to get back to it when I can walk again.
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania - That wasn’t any good. The movies completely detached from reality don’t work for me anymore. Michael Douglas looks like Richard Hammond.
Thunderbolts - Very dark. Depressing. Weirdly hitting the relevant notes about feeling important. I liked it a lot more than I thought.
Captain America: Brave New World - Looking good after first 30 minutes. Good to see Harrison Ford as a president.