Freedom & Sadness & God/Love
I had quite a terrible night last night. I can’t crack why. I’ve been searching for reasons the whole day. Inside, outside, things, people, conversations, feelings, emotions… Nothing. I didn’t find a reason. And according to my watch I slept just fine. Except I didn’t, I woke up about five times, and I was completely up between 1 and 4 AM. And I didn’t like it and it made me sad in the morning.
I don’t like making myself sad. It’s stupid. Why would anyone do that to oneself?
I woke up totally grumpy, I had a dentist appointment in the morning… And then I texted someone something like “Screw it, I’m going to make a nice and easy day for myself”. And the response was “You are lucky that you can”.
That is some bullshit.
Everybody can do that. It has nothing to do with luck.
We have the freedom to make choices about how our days go.
We have the freedom to do nice things for ourselves.
We have the freedom to say no to things.
We have the freedom to reach out to people.
We have the freedom to cancel or not attend work meetings.
We have the freedom to take a sick day.
We have the freedom to say to ourselves “This is not my day, I’m gonna go home and put on Bon Jovi, tuck myself under the blanket and read a perverse Slovak book”.
And maybe that’s what I did. Maybe not. The last one is oddly specific.
What I definitely did is that I executed my freedom of choice and made myself feel not sad. It felt fucking good. Empowered. I felt like myself. Not like somebody’s expectation. I was gentle and kind with myself.
I wanted to mop up the floors in my apartment this week. I executed my freedom of choice and did jack shit. It felt good to remove the artificial, stupid and completely unnecessary pressure of completing a random chore.
It’s OK to take a me day and take care of myself. Even if that care means not doing anything “productive”. Even if it means starting reading a fifth book without finishing the previous ones. Even if it means buying random stuff from the internet like concert tickets or industry-level air humidifiers. Even if it means delaying doing something which somebody might consider necessary. Fuck necessity.
I just remembered that I have ice cream in my freezer. I know what my next act of freedom of choice will be.
We have the choice to make ourselves feel certain way. We can steer ourselves in a certain direction. If we keep repeating to ourselves “I can’t do that”, we will never even try. Of course you can do things. You are a sentient human being with a freedom of choice. Oh.. you’re anxious? Well, you remove the fucking anxiety by doing things. It’s hard. But you have the freedom to do it.
Last weekend I’ve read a fantastic book Stop Fixing Yourself: Wake Up, All Is Well by Anthony de Mello.
Apart from many very positive, beautiful and kind words, it contains a - for me at least - a hint of a completely revolutionary idea.
I never believed in God or higher powers. I never really had faith in anything. I believed and still believe in conscious choices, actions and consequences. I am a very rational being. I refuse to believe in the purely economical view of the world where every person is doing everything to maximize their own profit. I always felt that humans are way less… I guess mathematical.
In philosophy, self-help, psychotherapy and obviously religion, the higher power is a concept that gives one the actual freedom. The faith in a higher power, greater good, God or gods lets one be comfortable with unknowns and let go of the feel of need of control.
The book alludes to an idea that there is indeed a higher power equivalent to the traditional religious concept of God.
Love.
I think I found my higher power as I made a choice about 5 years ago that I will be a romantic and I will have faith in love. I think I found my higher power. I think I found my faith.
And sticking to that faith, that faith in love, is what allows me to execute my freedom of choice and make any day nice and easy for me. I love myself. And I can love others. Sometimes it is difficult as we hurt each other, but… You can always forgive. You shouldn’t forget, because “fool me once, fool me twice”… You have the freedom to choose with whom you spend your time on this Earth. It’s limited.
Love is a fantastic feeling, much better than grumpiness, depression and sadness. And if there’s nobody around you could love, you can love yourself. It’s great. Try it. Right now. And your day will suddenly become very nice.
I want love. I don’t want some half baked half ass situationship. I want a lifelong love. It’s almighty.
By the way, I think somebody regularly reads this blog now. I no longer have zero views on most articles. One or two people. I am 100% sure that it’s not my mom. I don’t know how does that make me feel. I hope you like this, deer reader, and you will keep coming back.