Hurt and Repair
Somebody very dear to me texted me recently “I hate always hurting you”.
We hurt others because we ourselves have been hurt in the past. Maybe not by the same person. But something from the past surfaces, we are angry, exhausted, we are running on instincts and not rationale… It just happens. We say or do something and someone gets hurt.
You can’t take it back. You can’t fix it. It happened. But why?
I’ve hurt people in my past because I was scared. I think 99% of the time when I’ve hurt someone was because I was scared. I was scared to say the truth. I was scared that I will be perceived as a failure. I was scared that I will disappoint. So I lied. Lies hurt people a lot.
That one remaining percent is me being angry. And I blurt out something stupid. Why was I angry? Because something happened and I became angry. Something triggered my past hurt and I became angry. But I wasn’t angry at you when I blurted out something stupid. I was angry at someone from 20 years ago. But most of all, I was angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I was not good enough to create the safe space in which you would be willing to share the truth with me. I was angry at myself because I was unable to precisely express how I felt. I was angry at myself because I decided to not tell you information which would have prevented you from saying something hurtful to me. I was angry at myself for being hurt.
I was angry at myself because I felt like I failed you.
What gives me hope is that most people realize that they hurt someone. The worst feeling ever is the suspense before talking again. The fear that the relationship is broken beyond repair.
It never is. Everything can be rebuilt. If everybody involved wants to.
The best feeling is overcoming the fear, reaching out and apologizing. And then repairing. As they say on the internets, there is nothing better than one honest conversation.
So be fucking accountable and talk to each other.