Influence & Insecurity
Many years back, I told someone “I don’t recognize this person anymore” and he replied “You become the product of the 5 people you spend the most time with”. I had no idea what it meant. Now I do.
You surround yourself with cowards, you become a coward. You surround yourself with grounded people, you become grounded. You surround yourself with dreamers, you become a dreamer. You surround yourself with alcoholics, you become one.
There are phases in life when you can’t choose. When you are a little kid, you are surrounded by your parents, siblings, family members. And you are influenced by them. Who they are, who they are capable of being. They are the role models. They are the role models you spend the most time with. They are the examples you see the most. So you follow, because that’s all you know as a little kid…
And as you grow up, you meet people with different backgrounds, different life stories, different experience. And you see other examples. Other role models. Other patterns. Some good. Some bad. And you start to choose who you spend time with.
Consciously. Subconsciously.
Friends, partners, colleagues, bosses. You may feel like you don’t have a choice, but you always do. Sometimes you stay too long, because you just want to belong. It doesn’t matter too much where, you just want to not be alone. Sometimes it hurts to break it off. Sometimes you don’t feel a thing when you don’t see someone for years. Sometimes you forget.
Sometimes you don’t spend time with anyone.
And sometimes, you meet someone so different. Someone so unfamiliar. They give you a glimpse of what life can also be. They are open, welcoming, generous. And it’s so unknown. So different. It makes you feel so insecure. It brings out aspects of you that you buried. It’s so different that it’s so fucking scary.
It tests the limits of your curiosity. It holds you accountable for what you say.
So what do you do? Take a leap of faith and go on an adventure? Pull back to familiarity? Up to you. Up to me. And sometimes… you just don’t know. Yet.
In many many works of art, there is a line which goes something like “I like who I am when I am with you” or “You make me a better person”. That’s the influence people can have on each other.
On the other side of the spectrum, there are various echo chambers and “communities” like the Manosphere.
And then you read a book like The Extinction of Experience or listen to any other podcast about people using AI as therapists and you’re like - wait, we are losing this as humans. We are losing the opportunities to be exposed to these wonderfully different people. We are losing the opportunities to be scared by and be curious about the unknown.
We are losing the ability to even try to understand someone else. We are choosing comfort and familiarity over a challenge. We are choosing to remain insecure and anxious over being courageous and bold.
I refuse that. Even if it takes so much energy. It’s worth it. Yet it takes so much energy and so much time that it sometimes feels impossible.
Impossible is nothing. Take a small step forward every day.
And you obviously still need to feel comfort. It’s OK to recline into the familiar patterns here and there. It’s OK to spend time by yourself, scroll through meaningless amount of memes, swipe through tinder, stare out of the window aimlessly, watch an undemanding TV show. It’s OK to relax and feel comfortable.
It’s not OK to use other people for your own comfort. It’s not OK to manipulate with others because you are not comfortable by yourself. That is plain cruel.
Seek different opinions. Get out there. Meet new people. You will be amazed. You will be deeply uncomfortable and very insecure. But the influence.. When you start feeling the good influence.. That is something. Lean into it.
I am trying. It’s scary. Try it too. Live a little.
Actually no. Live a lot. You have only one lifetime.