Inside Out
Inside Out might be the most important Pixar movie ever. Not for me. But, like, ever. Full stop. Why? It visualizes the need to get out of your own head.
I’ve shared one of my older articles with someone who currently struggles and her reaction was “yeah, that only cements the fact that I shouldn’t bother others with my dark thoughts”.
That is NOT what I meant. Keeping dark things only to yourself is the worst thing you can do. It’s a really really bad idea that will lead to the bad direction of the spiral.
A couple of years ago we had a mini-conference day at work. One of the talks delivered by a great colleague was about the infamous Impostor syndrome. When we were chatting after, somebody asked me what would be my advice to get over it. And I said: “It’s simple, you need to get out of your head”.
We are our own biggest enemies.
No other person in the world can see into our head. And it works the other way - we can’t see into another person’s head. The best alternative to telepathy is to communicate with one another what is going on inside of us with language. And it’s not always possible or easy. Or even comfortable. Definitely not comfortable. How do I name this thing that is running through my head at 4AM?
You NEED to do the work to be able to verbalize what is going on in your head. If you don’t, it is just a big ball of mud without an obvious entrypoint. And the ball is gonna get bigger throughout your life. The sooner in life you learn how to name things, how to describe what is going on with you, the sooner you will be able to share with others. And you will learn that you are not the only one with these weird thoughts or hobbies.
It is super uncomfortable. Sifting through darkness, painful memories, heartbreak, heartbreak you caused…. Not nice. Necessary. You’re not going to like what you will find. You made mistakes, you caused hurt and pain… Everyone does. It’s OK, you don’t need to hate yourself. When you’re learning how to be you, you will inevitably make mistakes.
And sometimes you don’t even have the vocabulary. I had to go to therapy for years, I had to read many books about communication, psychology and mental illnesses to be able to even map out what the fuck is going on in me. It took me almost 15 years to get comfortable with my adult self and accept myself. For most of the time.
I wish somebody said “It’s simple, you need to get out of your head” to me when I was much younger, it would have made my twenties much easier.
Who am I kidding, if somebody told me that, I’d just say “fuck off with your hippie bullshit, I’m getting another beer”.
No matter how painful this is, this introspection is absolutely necessary. If you don’t understand (a little bit at least) yourself, you can’t define what you need. You can’t define what you want. You can’t define who you are. You can’t define who you want to be.
The next step is even harder.
Unless you put it out there, you will second guess yourself. You will talk yourself out of things. You won’t admit and accept that what you’ve just learned about yourself is real. You are going to numb yourself. You’re probably gonna get blackout drunk to forget about it. Many times.
And it will keep coming back. You will repeat the pattern. That’s what humans do. They repeat patterns. It takes an inhuman amount of courage to break the pattern. Because you will fuck it up the first time and you will feel like it’s not worht it. Everyone fucks it up. And it is worth it.
So you will want to go back. Go back to comfort. Go back to the comfort of your own pain. You know it, you know how to navigate it. Don’t. Just please don’t. It will happen, that’s why the word relapse exists. It happens. And it’s OK. You tried once, you will try again. You are strong enough to take that step forward again.
Now the really hard part: How do you get it out of your head?
Write. Draw. Paper can take anything. Once you can name it, you can write it down. Journaling is your friend at this stage. Get. It. Out. Just get it out.
Now you see it on paper (much better than a display IMO). It’s named. It’s still scary. But it’s out. You can relax for a bit. And then you can get back to it after a few days and explore what that IT really is. It’s on paper, so you can add words, you can draw arrows, you can draw animals, flowers, triangles… Anything goes.
I probably covered more paper with this in the past 5 years than with anything else.
But it is not in your head only anymore. It should feel like a giant boulder has been lifted from your chest. It is Out. Your Inside is finally Out. But you’re not done, there is always more to come.
You can stop here. But I guarantee that you won’t. At a certain point, you will start feeling like a kid discovering new things in the world. And You. Will. Want. To. Share. With. Others.
That is so difficult. You will practice, you will sugarcoat things, you will hide sections of you, you will perform a version of yourself that feels safe. You will tell yourself that you are going soft because you don’t want to hurt someone. That’s bullshit. That’s not it. That’s not you. You are still in denial. Or…
The thing that sucks the most about this is what my original post was about. Not everyone you share this with is the right person. Some people will dismiss. Some people will disappear. Some people won’t care. Some people won’t have the capacity or tools to listen. And you will feel like shit when you pick the wrong person. You won’t accept that that person is wrong. But they are, deep down you feel it.
But some people will respond in a great way. Those people are curious about you. Those people are interested in you. Those people care about you. Those people love you. Those people are right for you. Keep them in your life.
There may be moments when you feel like they don’t exist. They do. You are not alone. You are never alone.
The work and the verbalization and the courage and strength to make changes is all on you. Nobody else can do it for you. That’s the sad fact. Nobody sees into your head, you are on your own. It’s loads and loads of work.
But you are not alone.
You can learn from others, you can test your thoughts with others, you can explore new angles with others… And you need this. It’s so much easier if you have a safe space with your therapist, with your partner, with your friend.
And if they downplay what you are saying, or just run away… Fuck them. Cut them.
You have the right to need something. If that need is “please hear me out, I want to share myself with you” and it’s not met with positivity and encouragement… They are not the right person for you at that moment. Maybe at a different stage of your lives, it would work… You tried, you dared to be yourself. And if it didn’t work out, they were not the right person. It’s OK, there are others, more fitting, in the world.
It’s better to dare, try and fail then to live in your own head with all the what-ifs and maybe’s. It’s better to cut someone than to live in a shell of performance.
Dare to be yourself.
Dare to share, dare to want, dare to need. You are only a human after all. It is OK to make mistakes and it is even more OK to have needs.
You are fine. You may not feel fine at the moment, but that will pass. You will be fine again as you once were. Your life is an endless Journey.