Lies & Epiphany
What hurts? My ego. Not other people’s actions and lies. My ego.
I am envious that person A has person B. I am jealous that person B has specifically person A.
The feeling that person A has someone to lean onto. Someone to call 24/7. Someone to get a hug from 24/7. I am envious of that possibility. I don’t have that. Not in the physical capacity. And I miss that.
The feeling that person B is giving to person A what she needs. Finally taking on the responsibility of being in a relationship. And that it’s not me in that place. I think I saw for a long time what she needs. And she chose someone else to get it from.
It makes me feel like I am not seen and appreciated for who I am. For what I can offer. That’s the ego that is hurt.
The epihany is in this: This specific situation does not determine my value and worth as a human being.
Their actions do not say anything about me. It does not define who I am. It does not determine who I want to be.
This specific situation speaks volumes about who the other people are. What are they afraid of, how insecure they both are. How deeply they don’t believe in themselves and how they are protecting themselves individually with lies and secrets. Maybe they lie even to each other, I don’t know. And I am not interested. It’s none of my business.
I can’t stand cowards. I can’t stand liars. I detest people who make other people lie. Secret is just another word for a lie. I don’t want to live in a lie. I want to be proud of what I have, I want to show off what I have with other people. And I can’t show off a lie. I couldn’t look into a mirror in the morning.
I admire people who are willing to talk about these things, who try to explain, who are brave enough to become vulnerable and offer me a peak into their mind and heart. That’s rare and should be appreciated. It is very difficult to truly open up and I cherish these conversations.
If I reach out though and all I get is “I don’t want to go there” in a very dismissive tone… We are done. I am not going to spend any more of my time and energy on you. If you reach out, I will listen. But a whiff of another lie… and you are not getting another chance. It takes two to have any kind of honest human relationship.
There are people in the world who actually care about me. And if you lie to me… I don’t think you are one of them.
I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that who I can be is pretty amazing. And that loads of other people appreciate that version of me. And that if I take myself and offer the true myself to others, they will see me and appreciate me. Some of them. And that’s OK.
I have confidence in myself. In the true self. Not some fabricated version. Not a secret version. Not a made up version. My confidence is coming from truth, acceptance and honesty.
It’s been a long way to accept my flaws, my anxieties and my pet peeves. But they are all part of me. They are not something to be fixed or eradicated. They are something that I need to keep learning how to live with. They are something to be named and processed in therapy or in deep talks with friends. They are something to be accepted and loved.
Maybe shelved for most of the time. And if they show up… it will pass. I’ve made it through before.
I am only a human after all and no human is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has bad days. And those who claim that they don’t have bad days… they are just insecure liars.
I know I am not that. Not anymore.