Loveletter to Pain
I’ve been in pain for as long as I remember. Since I was about 5, I played football. And I always did many other sports. I was brave, somebody might call me reckless - I never budged, always head on, always in it. So it brought along a lot of injuries.
I lost count of broken hands and fingers, I had a sprained ankle about every other week, I had muscles pulled and torn, I have 3 ligament surgeries on one of my knees and a broken and poorly healed patella on the other. I had a partially dislocated hip two times, both my elbow ends are shattered, I had a couple of concussions, and the worst of them all - bruised ribcage - two times.
I used to say “If I wake up and I feel pain in a different body part than yesterday, all is good.” I thought that it’s normal. It’s not.
What I am trying to say is that I know pain. It’s been with me for 30 years. All the time. It’s familiar, it’s part of me.
It is abnormal for me to NOT feel pain.
And then there’s emotional pain.
Do I choose potential partners based on the potential pain they can generate? Do I subconsciously seek confrontations that bring up pain? Do I consciously seek out potentially painful conversation topics? Do I ruminate over certain topics because they generate pain?
Do I miss pain? Do I need pain? Would it still be me without the pain as a motivator? As an excuse?
Psychology says that humans may have a tendency to seek familiarity. What is familiar feels safe, comfortable, good and it requires less energy.
But it’s not necessarily healthy. Why would I want pain if I have a choice? That sounds dumb.
I don’t want pain anymore. It’s going to be painful to get rid of this preference, it’s very deeply embedded in me. I need to go through pain to get rid of pain. Eh, ok then…