Mirrors & Reassurance
I stopped drinking alcohol for medical reasons about 18 months ago. I wanted to stop before because I knew for a few years that I’m only punishing and hurting myself with the intoxications and hangovers. And I couldn’t.
I couldn’t stop, because apart from sports right on the limit, drinking myself to sleep was the only way I knew how to stop my brain from thinking. It is constantly doing something, running something, contemplating something, overthinking something… It just spins 24/7. As it should.
About 2.5 years back, I had to stop doing any sports because of a medical condition. All I had left as a coping mechanism or an escape was drinking. I said to many people “I drink, because it’s the only way I know how to stop my brain from thinking”. And then I had to stop because of a change in medication. Which helped a lot, by the way.
I was scared. I was addicted to a habit. I was afraid of what is going to happen in my head. I had periods of not-drinking before, a few months here and there. And I always got back, because I didn’t know what to do with all the free time and all the free cycles in my head.
This time it was different. I just stopped because I had to. I don’t want kidney failure in my thirties.
And since I stopped, I wanted to get a drink maybe two times. I know exactly in which situations. In situations when I was uncomfortable with my thoughts. In situations when I wanted to stop thinking, forget, be blank for a little bit.
But the thoughts do not go away. They will be back after the three day bender. Denial and delay is not a solution. Acceptance and work is.
And the brain keeps spinning.
Yesterday I read this very long article full of life wisdom. And there are two sections that hit really hard: The World Is a Mirror and You Are a Mirror.
And today in a shower when my brain was doing some free spins after a short meditation and exercise, it hit me.
All the overthinking, all the revisiting of past conversations, all the exploration of what-if’s and why-did-this-person-do-that… It’s a mirror.
I am not thinking about those things because I want to be thinking about those people. My brain is reassuring myself that I don’t want to be doing what they are.
My brain is reassuring myself that the confusion, lies and contradictions that other people are causing, saying or doing is not me.
I keep trying to revisit some situations to understand other people’s motivation. And I just don’t get it. Because I am looking at those situations through my eyes, my life experience - I am being a mirror. And I don’t understand. And I will never understand.
And my brain is reassuring me that because I don’t understand, it’s not me. It’s not who I want to be, it’s not how I want to behave. That behaviour (and maybe the whole people that behave that way) are not the right match for me unless we both want to invest energy in the mutual understanding.
If I don’t do well when I am confused, lost… If my self-esteem crashes when I am not sure what is happening… The right next step is not to try pushing myself to understand even if I really want to. It’s not going to happen unless the other person wants me to understand. The right next step that I can do is to step away. Step away into my world of clarity, honesty and the ability to confidently say “I don’t know, we need to figure it out”.
Other people have a different world, different life experience and they are a differently shaped mirror.
Every mirror is unique and every world behind the mirror is beautiful in its own way. We should be proud of our own worlds even if we don’t like the dark parts of them. We are the ones that have built them. And we can rebuild if needed.
And life happens when you dare to invite someone into your world. Because you stop being afraid. You understand your world a little bit, you’ve drawn a map and you are able to explain what you’ve built for yourself and why.
And whether they will accept the invitation? That’s on them. Maybe they are not ready.