New Beginnings
I wanted to write a new blogpost. I ended up migrating a 4-year old Hugo set up to substack. I didn’t have enough nerves to do all tech updates. I’m a grown up now!
I’ve had most likely the worst month in my adult life. Maybe the second worst. Hard to tell, there are so many to compete with. Let’s say a month has 30 days. I’ve learned about 10 pieces of bad news in the past 30 days. Sounds like a lot. Or maybe it was 5. Maybe it was 30. I stopped counting, it felt (still feels) endless.
And you never know what will hit you next.
This was an interesting year.
I’ve been through two nation-wide blackouts in two different countries. I’ve petted a dolphin. I’ve seen a spaceship launch with my own eyes. I became a home owner. Huge mortgage. I bought a semi-new car. I was very close to falling in love (again). I rejected a girl (again) that is in love with me for 20 years. I was completely paralyzed at work for weeks because of my newest role. I’m not sure if anyone noticed.
And yet… Last week I felt like I just gave up. Empty, void, nothing, no fucks to give. I cried for the first time in ever. That was such a relief to realize that I can still do that.
It must have been system overload. Becuase really, life ain’t that bad. The girl that doesn’t want me? Dodged a bullet based on what she said to me the last time we spoke. The girl that I don’t want? I don’t feel like being checked on every 5 minutes. Have I been terrible when talking to them? I don’t think I was. Nobody cried. At least not when there were other people in the room.
There is so much to write about, there is so much to talk about. There is absolutely, absolutely no way I know WHAT is the most important component out of that. I’m going to therapy, I’m abusing all my friendships to get help over texts. But I can’t articulate what would help me. I just do NOT know. That’s fucking scary.
It’s way better than lying to myself, I can tell you that.
Who am I kidding… The most important component of it all is me! I am cool (somebody told me that!), I am loved (somebody told me that!), I can ask for help anytime (somebody told me that!) and I am trying very hard to not be a terrible human being to others (I am telling that to myself).
So what is actually scary? My relationships with others. I’ve realized that I’ve been looking at it all wrong. It’s not a quid-pro-quo, it’s not a transaction, it’s not a trade. It’s a fucking choice. People choose who they want to be with. Including me. I can choose who I spend my time with. Every choice has a consequence and we all need to live with them. And sometimes, humans make the wrong choice. And if that happens, we all need to suck it up and somehow move on.
So let’s move on.