Self sabotage
Why do I do this? My favourite question as of recent. You feel good, quite, peaceful. Actually the good kind of tired to just fall asleep. And then there’s a random thought. About someone from years ago.
Laptop conveniently not far away. You remember her instagram handle. You don’t really find anything unusual. But you are sooo stupid to keep digging. The journal is in your nightstand. Let’s read some stuff from three to five years ago. Why not continue with 6 months ago?
Congratulations, you just sabotaged yourself.
So many memories come in. Some very recent. About feeling humiliated, worthless, betrayed, abandoned. Feeling like the other human that you thought thinks of you highly does not care about you at all. Feeling like you’re not worth five sentences when the person would tell you something out of respect. But they didn’t. When you confront them, all you get are excuses. No apology. You feel like you don’t matter to them. Because you probably don’t. No matter what they say. You don’t trust any words that come out of their mouth anymore anyway.
And you can’t even hate the person, because they are so fucked up inside that it is humanly impossible for them to take care of this situation gracefully. Yet, it hurts so much. And the feeling of not being important enough in their eyes stays. For years. No matter how great she seemed, I don’t want her in my life in any capacity. Because when I see her, all I can see is that moment when I’ve realized she doesn’t really care about me.
There is more than one or two ladies in my life in this category now. I should probably choose a different kind of personality. Somebody maybe less fucked up would be a good start.
And look, I know I have trust issues. But what I perceive as lying to me for months, doesn’t help with that. Show some respect, woman. There is no coming back from this. Not in my world. It can’t be, I’d lose any self-respect that I have left.
My brain is trying to emotionally kill me. There is no other explanation.
Fuck you, brain. And I will see you tomorrow. I love you and I will be with you until the end of days.