The Biggest Fear
What is your biggest fear? It’s a very loaded question. It’s a very scary question. Maybe my biggest fear is getting this question. No… it’s truthfully answering this question.
My biggest fear - currently - is that I am no longer interested in anything. I have long periods of time when everything - and everyone - feels bland, flat, empty. I feel like I’ve seen everything, I’ve heard everything and I can understand everything. I don’t feel any joy.
It’s not arrogance. Being smart is an incredible curse.
I have moments when I know what people will say. So I don’t pay attention to what they actually have to say.
I have moments where I predict the future. A few months ago I said to multiple people at work “This is a mistake. We shouldn’t do it. Because if we do, A, B and C will happen.” We did it. And now A and B are behind us and C is about to happen next week or the week after.
What people consider crazy difficult or complex, I see as easy, simple, elegant. After a 10 minute conversation, I am already three steps ahead of everyone.
I absolutely hate this about myself. I miss not knowing. I miss feeling excited about the unknowns. I miss not seeing the future.
And others hate it too. I come off as too strong. As too opinionated. As a know-it-all. It rarely happens to me that I am not the smartest person in the room. I hate it. I want to not know. I want to be curious.
It’s a gift. It’s a curse. It’s me. I don’t hate myself. I am afraid that I will be bland, flat and empty. Because I will not be able to find any joy.
I am trying. I am fighting. It takes a lot of energy to consciously stay open. It takes a lot of energy to not overload the space with me. It takes a lot of energy to leave the room for others. It’s exhausting.
I need to be able to do it. Letting others grow, shine and learn on their own is THE joy. I lost sight of that in the last 12 months because I was down, exhausted and I missed the signals. And I paid the price.
I keep climbing up again. Finding new connections, learning new things. At my own pace. With my own mistakes. It is OK to ask for help, it is OK to need attention at times. It is OK to need to be heard at times. It is OK to vent at times. It is OK to not be perfect.
It is OK to have fears.
I was very happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell multiple people that I have the capacity to accept again. It means that my mind is free. It means that I have energy. It means that I can feel excitement. It means that I can feel curiosity. It means I do not see the future anymore.
I can be present again.
I can be present again with all my fears. But I do not need to be afraid. Everything is a OK.