The Importance of a Conflict
I am a very impatient person. I tend to make conclusions and decisions and move quickly. In the best spirit of fail fast. You can’t fail if you don’t move. You can’t learn if you don’t fail. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether you do A or B. There is no such thing as perfect.
Not everyone agrees with the decisions. Not everyone agrees with how I communicate the decisions.
Because I have a tendency of moving quickly, my communication style is sometimes too straightforward and there were situations when I got feedback that I have been too “harsh”.
Yes, I have been harsh. In situations where teams are stuck for months. In situations where teams discuss inconsequential details for weeks. In situations where teams and individuals are unable to support their decision with facts. In situations where clear alternatives have not been considered because of personal preferences. In situations where there is a discussion of a potential edge case three years down the line. In situations where I failed to understand the other side. In situations where I felt hurt or attacked.
I am impatient. I get frustrated. Make a decision based on information you currently have and move forward! Don’t be afraid. And stand by that decision, be able to argue for it, defend it, be able to make compromises. And if there’s new information, reconsider. But you gotta keep moving.
This obviously creates conflicts. In my opinion, conflicts are good. Or rather, they are inevitable. A group of people that is 100% aligned and is avoiding a conflict is destined to make mediocre decisions that feel safe. And it will lead to an unsafe environment where people walk on egg-shells. Because conflict is inevitable.
A culture which tends to avoid conflict or sweeps it under the rug or deals with it in secretive conversations is destined to fail in the long run.
A conflict bubbling under the surface will just explode one day and the consequences will be much more severe than if you take the courage and try to resolve it as soon as possible.
A conflict that is discussed behind somebody’s back will backfire. People talk, the person will get to know. It will create more harm than a timely confrontation. Maybe it will create the same amount of harm, but later. So delaying only costs more time.
This is where it gets really difficult. Because you now need to deal with people and their emotions and egos. Every person is different. Not a lot of people are able to remove their personality from conflict, keep it factual and assertive. This applies to a wide range of situations from technical discussions all the way to personal relationships!
Confrontation and conflict are scary. Because it is very easy to take it personally. On both ends. Regardless of how well it is communicated. People get defensive, people yell, people are mean, people hurt. Sometimes even intentionally. This is how humans communicate. It’s impossible to be kind 100% of the time. It’s better to be harsh at times and stay authentic, than to be nice and fake.
Conflict resolution is a two way street which needs both sides to understand what is going on, both sides to be willing to resolve the conflict and both sides to be at least a little bit curious about the other side. It is a negotiation.
The approach to conflict resolution cuts deep into people’s inner fears, self-awareness, self-value and egoism.
So how do you deal with this? Transparency. Honesty. Patience. Equality. Curiosity. Humility. Love.
And you can prepare for this, you can start by reading Supercommunicators and Crucial Conversations. And after you do, try to be the best version of yourself.
You are only human, you will make mistakes, create conflicts and it is your responsibility to try to resolve them and be accountable for your decisions and actions. And if the other side isn’t ready for conflict resolution… Just walk away, it’s not worth it.