Tired? Try sustainability
You feel tired. No, I feel tired. Of what? Kind of everything. And nothing. The brain just shuts down, nothing can come in, nothing really comes out. What the hell is going on?
I’ve had this many many times. I wake up and all I want to do next is to fall asleep again. It’s not depression, I want to do things. I just… can’t. The brain doesn’t brain, the mechanical parts of my body don’t really want to do what they are supposed to do. Like walk to the fridge.
It’s not physical exhaustion, I feel fine, nothing is in pain. I can breathe normally, I kind of want to go for a run. But I don’t really want to. It’s like when you have a flu and you don’t feel your limbs. They are there. But they kinda aren’t.
Is it burnout? I enjoy what I do at work. I’m kind of excited to go there again on Monday. I know what to do, I’m looking forward to doing that. Is it easy? No. That’s why I enjoy it.
Am I emotionally dead inside? Well, maybe. No, I’m not. I feel things, I enjoy that one of my house plants is blossoming. I enjoy an inconsequential discussion in a dating app with a random girl.
It’s overload. That’s what it is. Overload. There is too much of everything and my human can’t cope anymore. The brain keeps going though. I close my eyes and thoughts start appearing. Meditation? Yeah, sure. Works for like 15 seconds. Sleep. Can’t fall asleep. Comfort food? I’m two pizzas in this weekend. And ice cream.
I would like to read something, but I don’t understand the words. I see the pages, I see the letters. But there’s no understanding between the page and the brain. It’s just noise that comes in through the eyes. I can’t focus. TV, movies. Same thing.
It all feels shattered, fragmented, millions of pieces of whatever flickering through my head. It’s there for 3 milliseconds and then it’s gone. No wonder people are into reels, tik tok and other short-lived forms of entertainment. That’s the only type of input that my consciousness can fit in. Fire and forget.
But that is so wrong! It doesn’t bring anything, it doesn’t help anything, I don’t remember anything out of that. It’s just a time filler. That’s what it is. I don’t want to fill my time. I want to spend my time. Spending means an intent. Intent means a goal.
It is so difficult to overcome this numb feeling. Only now I understand Linkin Park.
Alcohol worked pretty well to get me through this. Can’t do that anymore. And it really didn’t solve anything. It was a temporary illusion that helped to move the only real thing that works on this. Time.
I need to live through this, one minute at a time. Being careful and mindful about where I spend my energy. And what I ingest. If I do too much, it will increase the overload and it will put me back.
Sustainability is key.