Writing in public
If anyone ever reads these, they might think “This guy is crazy, why is he sharing so much of his internals publicly on the internet?” So here’s why:
I am not ashamed of myself and of what is going on inside of me
Being human is not easy. We have feelings, we don’t know things, we don’t understand things. There is a whole area of research on how humans work inside. The scientists and doctors who work in that area don’t know the answers.
So I have to cope with what is going on inside somehow. All of that is part of me. It’s not going away, it’s going to be with me until the end of days. I can try to suppress, hide or pretend but it’s not going away. The only viable strategy for me is to own it. Not necessarily be proud of it, but own it. It’s mine. It’s me. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a lot to unpack, but nothing to be ashamed of.
Writing is thinking
I have a private journal. I don’t journal every day. The journal is full of random scribbles that don’t make any sense. Writing publicly, so somebody might read this one day forces me to actually articulate what is going on. Explain to the reader. Explain to myself. Find connections.
I have exactly 0 subscribers and typically 0 reads. Do I care? Absolutely not.
Kill them with kindness
I can be cruel, mean, sometimes downright nasty to people that I feel are not very nice to me. I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to be like them, like the people I detest. So I need to practice how to be kind and gentle. Writing gives me much more space and thikning time on how to phrase certain feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt others. Even if they were hurtful to me.
I have a very deep sense of responsibility. When I say I won’t do something to someone, I won’t do it, because I feel responsible for holding true to my word. When I say to the internet, I won’t do something… Well, you get it. I couldn’t look at myself into a mirror ever again if I broke my word that I gave to the internet. Integrity, bitch.
It gets out
One of the most debilitating features of me is that I think. I think a lot. I think at all times. Overthinking, rumination, analysis paralysis… It’s overthinking, that’s what it is. What helps me with it, is getting stuff out of my head. I chose to get it out on the internet. After all that’s what it’s for, right?
There might be more reasons, but I think these are the biggest ones. I write for me, you don’t need to read this. And if anybody who knows me IRL stumbles upon this? I’m not ashamed. And maybe you will understand me a little better.