The Fear of Problem Solving

So you have a problem. Any kind of problem, but let’s say that it’s something that affects your life. Negatively. Something that is haunting you for days. What do you do?

1. Hope that someone will take care of it for you.
2. Pretend it is not there.
3. Run away.
4. Roll up your sleeves and deal with it.

Let’s explore and use a well known social situation of breaking up with someone.

Resignation

You can be really passive and maybe someone else will solve the problem for you. Sounds good, right? You don’t have to lift a finger and the problem will magically solve itself. There is a significant drawback to this approach: No other human being is probably aware of your issue unless you tell them.

Feels like you might as well tell the concerned party and skip one extra step, right? But let’s say you ask your mom to break up with someone for you. She will probably do it in the nicest way possible, but you get no closure.

The other person gets no closure. They will feel like they were not even worthy of your time and effort. They will for sure call you and demand and explanation directly from you. Because your mom doesn’t know answers to all the questions. All the whys and whats.

Doesn’t sound like an approach that a mature person would choose.

Ignorance

This is an even more passive option. You just do nothing. Maybe the other person will notice and do something. Maybe they will break up with you! Oh, that would be great!

Except it isn’t. You are dragging the issue forever. And you know it is there, because you think about it all the time, helpless, paralyzed. How do you do this? How do you even bring it up? What will their reaction be like?

And you go on, playing the scenarios in your head, and you never do anything. And usually, the other person will sense that something is not right. And you will not admit that it is if they ask you. Because you are so afraid that this might come up, you will get into a fight and things will be over. But… Isn’t that what you want?

If you want something, but are unsure about it, just muster up your courage and talk about it. It is a huge relief, it’s out there, a discussion forces you to articulate your thoughts, the problem doesn’t live in your head only anymore. And maybe you realize, that you don’t really want to break up, there is just one minor issue that drives you mad which can be easily fixed.

If you ignore the problem, it will consume you from the inside until you talk about it with someone.

Escapism

You can run away. You can pack your bags, get up early and just leave. Without a word.

Cowardice.

There are no other words for it. You will have to live with it for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t want that.

Dealing with it

I strongly feel that this is the only option. The only option that shows respect to yourself and to others. The only option that actually works, that actually provides closure, that actually opens up a space for questions and answers.

Just pick a calm day when you are relaxed, get yourself ready and talk about it. Face to face, not over the phone. Nothing works better than talking.

It will probably hurt. You will have to get out of your comfort zone. You will have to say some unpleasant things. You will hear some unpleasant things. Some shouting might happen. But it will be over. The agony of not dealing with a problem will be over.

Maybe you will not reach a conclusion in one sitting. And that is perfectly fine. The conversation might go on for months. But it is out there, it is happening and things are changing.

And maybe there will be some followup questions after a few weeks. Do not go back into your shell and explain. The other people involved deserve that. Show them some respect, you are not the only soft and vulnerable human being on the planet.

So, you can probably clearly see which strategy works best for me, and which strategy I would expect from others. I cannot always do it, it is incredibly hard to face your issues. But you should always strive to do that. It is the only option that shows respect, dignity and gives the opportunity to others to have a say. Maybe they see the same problem as you do and have a different perspective on the solution.

Talking about problems is teaching and learning. You should never forget how to teach and learn.