D+7: One. Week. Later...
It’s been a week since the surgery. It’s been a decent week. The outcome is absolutely amazing (if it doesn’t crash and burn in the following phases of recovery), my brain is also healing and all is going in the right direction.
The painkillers are crazy bad for me. I slept like shit today. I don’t feel rested, I have a headache, everything feels just a little bit off. No more pills unless the pain is excruciating.
I can bend the knee with my own muscles. There is no swelling, there is no pain unless I really push it when bending. There is a large, but quite shallow bruise that will go away in a couple of days. I could take off the bandage, but I’m conservative when it comes to this, I don’t want to tear anything.
All in all it’s awesome.
I’ve been reading a lot of articles about psychology in the past few days, I think I’m going to be able to get into a better place. And today, I was able to start reading a book finally. Despite the headache. It’s annoying, but bearable for some time.
Fuck me. All feels good, I’m just a little dizzy after the bad night’s sleep. So I decide to take a nap. And then the head starts spinning. Is this a fucking panic attack? Or just another self-sabotage?
These low energy levels when there’s not enough energy to do something or focus on something, but there’s not not enough energy to just fall asleep are my worst enemy. Fuck me.
The feeling is this: I need emotional support. So I want to reach out to someone. But immediately, I feel guilt that I’m (again) reaching out for support and that I will not get it back. That I will annoy the person with my ask for help and I will get abandoned. So I don’t reach out for support. Vicious circle.
If you’re ever in a position of power over someone, do not abandon, please. It fucks people up. Bad.
Had a great visit in the evening. Little bit of compassion, little bit of brain teasing. I need this. I am grateful for my friends and family that keep my spirit up.
Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, and Focus on the Present (The Path to Calm) - It’s much more practical than I expected. I will finish it tomorrow.